Help! My Ex-Wife Is Spreading an Atrocious Rumor About Me. (2024)

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My first wife and I divorced three years ago after arguing about everything. I was hoping for an amicable divorce, but I heard she has been spreading bad rumors about me, including saying that I, “tried to sabotage her contraceptives.” We come from a small city where everyone knows each other, so I think everyone is talking about me. Now that we are both remarried, I don’t understand why she can’t move on with her life. There is no way I would confront my ex, but I’m concerned about what people will think of me if I don’t say something. I hate that I don’t even know who she told this to. How can I tell my side of the story if nobody even asks?

—Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Dear Guilty Until Proven Innocent,

Divide the people in your small, gossipy city into two categories. Category A is for people who matter. These are those who have sincerely asked you, “How are you?”, who have shared the details of their own lives with you, have been there for you, or with whom you have regular interactions that require trust. The group includes your actual friends and next-door neighbors, the hairstylist who always gets you to open up about your trials and tribulations, and the parents of friends of your kids who play at your house. When it comes to people in this category, the next time you get into a conversation that goes beyond pleasantries, your answer to, “How are things?” should b,e “Honestly, not great” and when they say “What’s going on?” that’s your invitation to dive into the way your ex is smearing you, and your side of the story.

Category B is for people who you don’t actually know. You will just have to live with the idea that they might have heard something negative about you. But remind yourself that just like they aren’t main characters in your life, you aren’t a main character in theirs, so they probably don’t have much invested in a one-sided tale about how you behaved badly in your marriage. And if, by chance, the person who works at the local post office is thinking, “That scumbag” when you walk in, it actually doesn’t affect your life at all.

Your ex was hoping to hurt you with these rumors, and by clearing your name with the people who matter and refusing to care about the people who don’t, you can foil her plan.

Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below.Submit your comments about how to approach the situation hereto Jenée, and then look back for the final answerhereon Friday.

Dear Prudence,

I (38 F) am struggling with my new reality of being single after being in a situationship for 14 years and also with some deeper trauma that I feel I cannot talk to my parents about. Part of my problem is that my mother insists that I can tell her and my father about whatever is troubling me—and usually, that is 100 percent true—but this trauma is heartbreaking, to say the least. With my parents’ advanced age, I am afraid they would not be able to comprehend the damage done to me in this alternate world.

In regards to being single again, I do not know where to start. I am trying my hand at crocheting and can knit simple patterns, like AirPod case bags, but nothing that would make me any money on the side, though it is a thought that I have entertained in the past. I have a sterling silver ivy-styled cross that my father bought for me from an estate sale years ago and wearing it has brought me some comfort.

—Heartbroken In Love

Dear Prudence,

I always knew my mom wanted more children, but she and my late father only had me. My dad died my senior year in high school and my mom took it very, very hard—especially since I was going out of state for school. So when she started dating “Paul,” I was happy even if it felt fast to me (they got married six months after dating).

Paul has two children that he is estranged from. Both got into drugs and did time in prison. Paul and my mom have had temporary custody of two of his grandchildren. My mom is over the moon because the kids have started calling her mommy. She refers to them as my siblings and pushes me to video chat with them.

This feels like a red flag to me. Even if it looks like the mother isn’t going to get her act together, my mother isn’t their mother, adoptive or otherwise right now. But my mother is going all in. I don’t want her to get hurt or hurt these kids if they have to leave. I just can’t find the right words. Can you help me?

—All In

Dear All In,

I understand your concerns about how this arrangement could lead to hurt feelings. But the reality is, the kids’ separation from their parents is going to cause some pain regardless. I don’t think placing limits on what they can call your mom will change that in any significant way. Plus, it sounds like the situation is working well for all of them right now. So don’t give her any advice on how to handle the way she interacts with them.

That doesn’t mean you have to join in on the fantasy that these are the siblings she always wanted for you. They’re not. And that’s OK. They are children who may be in your life long term and who you may grow to love as you get to know them better, but this process doesn’t have to be forced via FaceTime or involve labels that don’t line up with how well you know each other (which is … not at all!). A way to explain this to your mom that might tap into her own concern for the kids’ well-being is: “I’m so happy that Paul’s grandkids have a safe place to live with you two. But please don’t refer to them as my siblings. I’m worried that this could confuse them, as we’re not yet very close. And they might end up getting hurt if they return to their parents and I lose touch with them. They’ve been let down a lot and I want to make sure I don’t add to that. I’m happy to say hi over FaceTime once in a while but I’d rather let the relationship develop organically. Plus, I’m sure they are thriving thanks to the love you’re giving them and don’t need too many new adults in their lives at this point.”

How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, tryCare and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I have a boyfriend but I may have said I was dating someone for a stupid reason and he might get mad at me. This isn’t a big deal, but I’m worried it will turn into one. Lately, my boyfriend and I have been growing distant, and I’m doing everything I can to make him not lose interest.

Today at school, I saw a kid in a younger grade with a box full of cupcakes. I begged him for one, but after several refusals, I accepted that he wasn’t going to give me any, and sat down behind him (we were all waiting for dismissal). Then a group of popular boys came and also started begging him for one. He agreed to give them each one because he knew who they were. After they left, two of the popular boys who were not there before came over and tried to convince him that they were the best friends of the previous boy’s group. One of them (let’s call him Liam) I know a tiny bit because he had lunch detention almost every day, he sat at a lone desk for lunch right next to where I usually sit, and he has kind of been flirting with me ever since his girlfriend broke up with him three weeks ago.

So back to the boy with cupcakes. I wasn’t paying close attention when I suddenly heard Liam yell, “That’s my girlfriend, bro, we’re dating please give me and my girlfriend a cupcake!” And I looked up to see him pointing and smiling at me! I started laughing and didn’t correct him immediately because I was so in shock and thought that there would be a chance to get a cupcake (I was really desperate). Then the kid with the cupcakes said, “Propose to her!” and then Liam said to me, “Will you marry me?” My dumb self said, “Sure if I get a cupcake!” The boy then gave us each a cupcake as promised, and after I took a bite I said, “The engagements off Liam, you’re single again, sorry.” He looked really disappointed, but just then I was dismissed and we got lost in the crowd. I don’t think Liam knows I have a boyfriend because I have no classes with him so we never talk. The thing about this whole situation is there were people everywhere listening to this conversation, including all those popular boys (who are friends with my boyfriend) and a girl who has tried to break us up several times and LOVES to spread rumors. I’m afraid if he hears about this situation he will be mad, disappointed, and heartbroken. What should I do?

—Fearful Girlfriend

Dear Fearful,

This is a great time for an old-fashioned technique that we used to call Having a Talk. Seriously, you just need to communicate with your boyfriend. Say, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?” Then explain what you explained here and add, “I’m worried that you’ll hear about this from someone and be mad, disappointed, or heartbroken by what I said to Liam without thinking, so I wanted to tell you what happened.”

You’re both (by the sounds of your letter) young and still figuring out how to have a relationship. It’s not going to be perfect, and in fact, it shouldn’t. You’re learning, and stumbles and struggles are part of learning. (Side note: The many people who write to me who are in their 20s and 30s and have never dated would be jealous of the experience you’re gaining now!) What you can do right now, amid this imperfection, is make it a point to practice honesty and showing care for your partner’s feelings, and you have the perfect opportunity to do that.

That said, you should also practice paying attention to your own emotions and well-being and how they’re affected by your romantic interactions. I have to note that desperately trying to keep someone’s interest while the two of you, for whatever reason, drift apart, doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. You might want to think about whether the relationship with your boyfriend has run its course, or whether you could use your energy for something more rewarding than trying to control how someone else feels about you. Think about it like this: You deserve to date someone who’s as enthusiastic about you as you were about that cupcake.

Classic Prudie

Four years ago, my daughter “Cindy’s” husband “Andy” impregnated my other daughter, “Allison.” Andy left Cindy for Allison, and our family imploded. Cindy and Allison (and my third daughter, “Alice”) were very close growing up, so Allison hurting Cindy this way came out of the blue.